The Nerd and the Jock

It took me till week three...but i finally made it through entire P90X workouts. Granted, I probably wasn't pushing myself as hard as I could of in earlier sessions, but even still...feels good. And I am definitely seeing results. (Don't you wish you could see them too! :P)

Recently, I have been spending some time thinking about scheduling myself and balancing my time between working on my research (the nerd) and working out/playing soccer (the jock). And while this shouldn't be that hard...for some reason days that I work out, I don't feel like working...and days I work, I don't feel like working out. It's kind of strange. Usually I try to force myself to do both. It's odd how it feels like these two activities cannot even seem to occupy adjacent space in time.

In a lot of ways, this is something I have struggled with for most of my life. Finding the balance between these two seemingly disparate identities (if only because they are social constructed to be that way). Now, I should say, that I don't feel entire comfortable putting myself into either of these categories, but this is also, again, because they have largely been constructed to be mutually exclusive.

Growing up, I would have to admit that I wasn't great at sports. In anything I participated in I was probably in the lower-third...maybe the lower half in a few cases. So, maybe I didn't need to worry about being a jock. But being the only boy in my family, the importance of sport in the life of both of my parents, and the athleticism of both my sisters, I always felt compelled to excel in sports...although, I should also admit that I didn't necessarily put that much effort into it.

At the same time, I was branded very early on as "gifted" and was sent down a path of nerd-dom. When you are younger, I suppose it is natural to be a jack of all trades as you are trying to figure out what you like and what you are passionate about. But as you get older and more serious about particular aspects of life, there is a need to specialize as each activity begins to take more and more time. Choices had to be made, but some choices were forced upon me from the outside.

I suppose the first example comes from high school. I played on the high school soccer team for my first three years, putzing around the frosh-soph and jv teams. Summer before senior year, I was approached by one of the varsity coaches who asked me about my courseload for the coming year. I was slated to take 6 AP classes and was still trying to maintain my participation in soccer. He asked me why I was taking so many AP classes and I told him I was trying to get into a good school. He replied that he hadn't taken any AP classes in high school and he had gone to UCI, which was a good school. It's funny to say this now, but in my head I was thinking, umm...I am thinking of something a little better than UCI.

I was not delusional. I knew that soccer was not going to take me to college as it had this coach. I knew that I could and wanted to go to a more prestigious institution. I had worked hard, put in the time...I had become a nerd. (a very cool nerd, mind you :P). I ended up not playing soccer my senior year. I didn't even bother going to try outs because I knew what was in store for me...so why bother.

This is an example of a socially constructed division between nerd and jock. In high school, it would have been more than possible to succeed in my classes as well as play varsity soccer. But the coaches didn't see it that way. They wanted full commitment to the team, even if it were unnecessary for success.

These days, being a nerd, at least for me, takes up a tremendous amount of time and energy...I guess because it is more or less my job. Sometimes, I wonder if i have enough time and energy to still be a jock...and to what end? I mean, I am all for being active and healthy, but that could probably be done with considerably less working out and soccer playing that i currently partake in.

In the end, I guess I do it because I want to do it. In a way the diametric opposition between being a jock and being a nerd (while certainly problematic) is also why I like both. I am certainly better at one than the other (being a nerd)...but being a jock is also a chance to let go of all of that...not have to think about connecting literatures and find holes in existing research agendas. Its also me, proving to myself, that I am more than just a smart kid...if I am even that.

Ok, so I don't know where this post is going...but just something I have been thinking about during this 90 days of change. Seems like I am trying to change and improve a lot of things...hopefully it all comes out better at the other end.

Research Note: On Race, My Ass, and Passing

So, the other day, I was out and some random guy (approaching from behind) comes up to me as says..."Oh, I actually thought you were Latino. You have such a round ass, not flat like most Asian guys." Now, I don't mean this to be a post about how I have an awesome rear-end, because I really don't think I do...nor do I really think about it at all. But what I think is interesting is the implicit statement being made here about racial identification and passing. There is a blunt, but i think still illuminating, metaphor at play.

My current review of the literature has forced me to look at the issues of assimilation as a process of whitening, an idea propogated by many prominent sociologists such as Herbert Gans, as well as a few scholars in my home department. I find this equation to be highly problematic. In their recent book, Jennifer Lee and Frank Bean look at the racial identification among mixed race couples and their multiracial children. Their main finding is that there is greater flexibility for multiracial Latino and Asian American couples and children than for multiracial black couples and children. (Of course, the other spouse in almost every case considered in white.) Given this greater flexibility, the rule of hypodecent does not apply to Asian Americans and Latinos as it does to African Americans. Lee and Bean take this fact to demonstrate that the US racial hierarchy is now organized (or will be shortly) along a black/non-black divide.

Anyone who knows me, my politics, or my academic work, will know that I take issue with this. While I do not deny the systematic oppression of African Americans in both historical and contemporary contexts, I do not necessarily see the value in reproducing a dichotomous schema for understanding the racial structures in place in the United States. Racial hierarchies and oppressions are context specific. While African Americans may lay claim to be the "most" oppressed in aggregate, such aggregation provides little traction for effecting substantive progress toward social justice. As Cherrie Moraga reminds us, "The danger lies in failing to acknowledge the specificity of the oppression"...but I digress, because even if we take the aggregated oppression of African Americans as our primary measure to construct a black/non-black framework, the evidence provided by Lee and Bean is flawed.

In their discussion of hypodecent, the examples provided by Lee and Bean do not adequately take into account the role of phenotype in racial identification. While Lee and Bean rightly point out the racial identity is a complicated amalgamation of self-perception and ascription, they way and individual looks and how those looks are interpreted in social contexts remains important. Many of the individuals highlighted by Lee and Bean could be considered atypical within the multiracial community (i.e., a half-Japanese, half-white man with blonde hair and blue eyes). Lee and Bean also provide celebrity examples that bolster their point. Keanu Reeves and Cameron Diaz are both read as white by mainstream audiences despite their multiracial Asian and Latino heritages, respectively. Lee and Bean point to Halle Berry who is a biracial woman read as black by global audiences. The problem with bringing up these examples is numerous counterfactuals also exist. For example, are actors Russell Wong, Lou Diamond Phillips, Jessica Alba or Kelly Hu marketed as white? Are Rashida Jones or Mariah Carey always recognized as black? Furthermore, there is a history of "passing" within the African American community connected with the legacies of slavery and the ability to be percieved as a "free white person." Suffice to say, there is a lot of racial ambiguity in the multiracial population and what Lee and Bean point to, then, is the ability for some multiracial individuals to pass as a monoracial individual, be it black or white...or something else. But this option does not exist for all multiracial individuals, nor does it seem to evidence a black/non-black divide.

Returning to the story about my "Latino ass," there also limits to passing in terms of being "outed" as multiracial or as a different race entirely. If colorlines were truly shifting, such outings would not matter...being labelled white or black, or non-white or non-black would not matter. Simply being recognized as white does not provide a passing individual with safe haven if someone notices their family name or meets their parents or otherwise finds out about their true heritage. So, maybe my ass can pass for Latino, but as soon as I turn around...I am outed as Asian. There are limits to passing, oppressive limits (what legal scholar Kenji Yoshino describes as covering), and such limits must be recognized as we discuss any potential shifts in the American color line(s).

Workout Regime - Day 4 P90X...and...New Lifestyle.

As it turns out...not only am i not really fit enough to make it through the whole first day of the workout...but i also am not flexible enough for the yoga session. I knew the flexibility is something I really needed to work on...I am super tight and I think loosening up a little bit would help out in a lot of different aspects of my life...in particular my chronically sore and tight back as well as my speed and agility in soccer (really the hallmark of my game). So, while I didn't do so well today with the yoga workout...I am excited to continue in the process and gain strength, flexibility, and hotness.

In other news, I got a bike today. As stated in a previous post, I am without a vehicle in the Bay because, well...I killed my car. Brilliant, I know. So, for the past week I have had to rely predominantly on public transportation which is handy, but not the most convenient of ways to move about. So, today, my lovely roommate, Katie, took me to go buy a bike...I will refrain from telling you where I purchased said bike in fear of retribution. I bought the cheapest bike I could find which happenned to be a mountain bike, which came in handy for reasons I will divulge in just a moment. I also purchased an air pump, helmet, lights, and a lock. (Oh, and I also got 20 lbs. weights for my P90X fun.) So, I am all set and all safe for my rides around the east bay and, particularly, to and from campus. Woohoo!

Katie drove me to the store to buy the bike, but we couldn't fit a bike into her car, so I had to ride my bike to the nearest bart station to get the bike back home. Not a big deal, I thought, seeing as how the nearest bart was only about a mile away and a station i was somewhat familiar with. Familiar, that is, when traveling by motor vehicle. The path was much more complicated by bike and I ended up for a while riding on the gravel beside some non-bart train tracks after being informed by a very nice homeless gentlemen that I could get to the bart that way. Now, obviously he was telling the truth as I did end up at the bart station. However, I don't believe that was the correct or most direct route to take. But as I said before, the mountain bike came in handy rather quickly riding through the uneven, unpaved path next to the train tracks...I don't think a road bike would have handled that as well.

So, this was a good first lesson in my new life choice as a bike rider. Hopefully, future rides will be simpler.

Thoughts on my Research

Yesterday, I attempted to start writing again toward my dissertation literature review. Having tackled most of the classical literature in assimilation and immigrant incorporation theory, I am now turning to the recent literature in Critical Whiteness Studies. For me, and others who study race and issues of immigrant-origin communities, the connection here is that implicit within the theories of assimilation is a process of whitening. As immigrants assimilate, the become (more like) white. This presumption is also predicated on the understanding of race as a social construction. As immigrants assimilate, US society reconstructs race to include these newcomers into whiteness. Now, any one who knows me should realize that what follows is going to be something of a diatribe against this idea...and so it will be. This is what I wrote yesterday. Thoughts and insights are appreciated as it is a work in progress.

The statement: "race is a social construct," is an important truth. However, it seems that some scholars within the social sciences and elsewhere have stretched this truth beyond its analytical usefulness. To state that race is a social construct is not to say that is a meaningless cultural fiction, nor does it mean racial lines are easily moved, erased, or even blurred. To speak of social construction is to acknowledge the lack of foundation in biologically based hierarchies, but also to take seriously that such construction does not occur within a vacuum of unlimited space. The social construction of race occurs within the confines of innumerable and simultaneous social constraints, including those created, entrenched, and reified by the construction of race itself. The concept of social construction portends a boundless freedom to construct and deconstruct social concepts and norms. However, with the multiple and complicated nexuses of equally social constraints, it turns out that "freedom is a tiny place."*

*This quote is actually from Prof. Carter Butts, stated in a seminar in the Fall of 2008...not sure if I really need to cite this...thoughts?

Workout Regime - Day 2 P90X

Before you get your panties in a bunch...yes, I realize that I didn't have a post about Day 1 of the workout regime. I will cover it here...you know, some of us have better things to do than write blogs all day for your reading pleasure! Haha...I kid. I love that you follow along in my day-to-day rantings about life. (Wouldn't it be funny if no one actually read this blog and I am basically having this monologue to myself...making it a soliloquy, perhaps? But, then even this aside is to no one...whoa, this is getting a little to meta for me. I am feeling light headed.)

At any rate, I began P90X yesterday. The outcome was not great. I made it through a little more than half the exercise. (FYI: It was chest and back.) Now, I like to think of myself as a pretty in-shape person...but I didn't make it through. What even disappointed me more is that I woke up this morning and wasn't even sore. Which, to me, means I didn't push myself hard enough. I am so lame.

So, today, I did day two, but instead of doing the plyometric exercise prescribed by the program, I decided to skip to day three and do shoulders and arms. The reason for this is that I am playing pick up soccer this evening and figured I probably didn't want to have dead legs when I got there. Also, since I didn't do an adequate workout yesterday, I figured I needed to do lifting again today.

Today went better. Made it through almost the whole thing...but realized that the abridged weight set I own may make this process a little uneven. I only have 15, 25, and 30 dumbbell pairs....the jump from 15 to 25 is a little big, so I might have to invest in some 20s...but we shall see if I can convince Katie to drive me to some place to buy some...but I sure as hell am not lugging 40 pounds of weight on public transportation. (Like my passive aggressive way of asking via my blog? Lol. Kidding Katie.) I was working out mostly with 15s today, which was fine, but I worry slightly about the weeks to come and having to jump from 15s to 25s...but I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

Suffice to say, I have learned two things from my 2 days with p90X. First, I am not as in-shape as I thought. Second, I need to push myself harder. As working on the second point will help with the first...I will focus there.

Oh, and one more thing. I have been thinking about whether not it is necessary, or tasteful, to put progress pictures up on the blog. Something about displaying my half naked body for my close friends seems awkward. Do people have thoughts or preferences on this point? I am kind of ambivalent about it.

Long Distance Love Song

This is a piece I wrote a while back, but I thought it was fitting given my ambivalent feelings about leaving home again...even for a short while.

Here I am

Once again

Saying good-bye

To you

My love

An occurrence to frequent to be accidental

You must wonder how I remain faithful

I always return to you

Changed but somehow

Untouched

I will have walked cold winter streets

Framed by concrete giants, man’s monstrosity

Stealing light earlier than nature intended

I begin to think this excursion, this experiment

Lasted five years longer than was necessary

Forgetting, or willing myself believe

That I would be willing to give up any of these moments

The holidays

The special days

The Mondays, the Thursdays

And the late night phone calls

Tell me I have lost much more than a mere three hours

The cycle repeats

To be honest

I am tired of leaving

Tired of the 2 and 2 packing scheme

Tired of the short stays and long good-byes

Looking to you through distant windows

And yet

I can’t seem to stay

Seem born to run

In search of a dream

A freedom I have yet to find

I will miss your warm kiss

Once on each cheek

My forehead

As I close my eyes on breeze-cooled beach sands

I will miss your long shadows challenging palm trees too tall for their own good

Refusing to fall

We refused to fall

My chest feels heavy from the altitude change at take off, my ears pop

I will look out the window

You look so small

So simple, so put-together

You will go on without me

You will understand my transient ways

Because you know it will only make me love you that much more

We stabilize

My chest is still heavy

My heart is still heavy

As this plane keeps flying

Creating miles between you and me

I begin to wonder if the heart knows proximity

If the heart knows the difference between 300 and 3000 miles

I feel your pull

Tapping my shoulder in reminder

Come back to me soon

Come home soon

I have left you in the darkness

Under the cover of night so you may not realize I am gone

When sunlight hits again there will be no cheeks, no forehead to kiss good morning

You will remember me

Because I am yours

That I am you, where ever my feet are planted should be of no surprise

You will wake up to the new day without me

And I will wake in a new bed

But live each tomorrow knowing that

I will always come back for you

Lucky Me.

The trip to the Bay was eventful, to say the least. After an early morning breakfast with my parents, I embarked on my journey north at around 9:45 AM. I made good time through LA and the Grapevine and was into the Central Valley sometime around 12:30 or 1 PM.

As I approached Buttonwillow, I was having some trouble accelerating and noticed the engine light was on and subsequently that my temperature gauge was at its max…I immediately moved into the slow lane. At this point, the car began to struggle and died. I was probably a few hundred yards from the next exit. Luckily, I was able to coast on the shoulder onto the offramp and into the gas station parking lot just off the highway. It was mere coincidence, I think, that I noticed the indicator light and temperature gauge when I did and happened to be so close to an exit…which for those of you who are familiar with the 5 through the Central Valley know they are few and far between.

So, with the car overheated and engine smoking, I called my dad. At this point, I was extremely frustrated and kind of freaking out…in the middle of the state and not sure how to deal with the problem. After discussing options with my dad, I called AAA (I’ve been a member for 43 years, perhaps a side story for another day) to try to get a tow to the nearest mechanic to get a diagnosis. Now, my level of membership with AAA only provided for 7 miles of towing and the AAA agent said the only mechanic listed in the area was 20 miles away…not good. The agent suggested that I ask the tow truck driver when he came if he knew of a closer repair shop. Ok, great.

Fast forward in the story, my dad decides that he would rather take care of any problem with the car back in OC, so he wants to tow it back home. He figures out that he can rent a tow bar or trailer for fairly cheap and decides he will drive up to get the car. He also tries to figure out how to get me a different car to continue my trip up to the Bay. I tell him that he shouldn’t worry about that, if I can’t make it to the Bay that day it was fine…I would just come home and figure something else out.

Enter the second coincidence. My older sister, who lives in Sacramento, happens to be in San Luis Obispo yesterday. San Luis Obispo is roughly on the same line of latitude as Buttonwillow/Bakersfield. What’s more, she happens to be going to San Francisco for a wedding directly from SLO. Even more coincidental is that she called my dad (for an unrelated reason) just as this crisis was unfolding. So, it was decided that my sister would drive east to Buttonwillow to pick me up and take me with her to SF. My dad and mom would get the trailer and drive to Buttonwillow to pick up the car and bring it back home.

Wow…so much luck. Beyond all the coincidences, and more importantly, I am struck (although not surprised) at the length my family is willing to go for me. For all my stupidity and consternation I must cause, they are (and always be) there for me when I really need them. I can’t ask for more than that.

I wrote an email to my family to express my gratitude and my mom responded with a nice description of what family means to us: “Part of being a parent/family is not deciding whether or not you will go to help each other, but rather how fast you can get there to help.”

What does all this have to do with 90 Days of Change? Well, on the one hand, it’s a pretty interesting story in its own right. On the other, I think it teaches me at least one valuable lesson: the importance of family, selflessness, and unconditional love. The generosity of my family is something I can only hope to repay and pay forward to the family in my future. So, these is yet another aspect of change I will begin to be more giving and selfless, because in the end, its all about family.