The Nerd and the Jock

It took me till week three...but i finally made it through entire P90X workouts. Granted, I probably wasn't pushing myself as hard as I could of in earlier sessions, but even still...feels good. And I am definitely seeing results. (Don't you wish you could see them too! :P)

Recently, I have been spending some time thinking about scheduling myself and balancing my time between working on my research (the nerd) and working out/playing soccer (the jock). And while this shouldn't be that hard...for some reason days that I work out, I don't feel like working...and days I work, I don't feel like working out. It's kind of strange. Usually I try to force myself to do both. It's odd how it feels like these two activities cannot even seem to occupy adjacent space in time.

In a lot of ways, this is something I have struggled with for most of my life. Finding the balance between these two seemingly disparate identities (if only because they are social constructed to be that way). Now, I should say, that I don't feel entire comfortable putting myself into either of these categories, but this is also, again, because they have largely been constructed to be mutually exclusive.

Growing up, I would have to admit that I wasn't great at sports. In anything I participated in I was probably in the lower-third...maybe the lower half in a few cases. So, maybe I didn't need to worry about being a jock. But being the only boy in my family, the importance of sport in the life of both of my parents, and the athleticism of both my sisters, I always felt compelled to excel in sports...although, I should also admit that I didn't necessarily put that much effort into it.

At the same time, I was branded very early on as "gifted" and was sent down a path of nerd-dom. When you are younger, I suppose it is natural to be a jack of all trades as you are trying to figure out what you like and what you are passionate about. But as you get older and more serious about particular aspects of life, there is a need to specialize as each activity begins to take more and more time. Choices had to be made, but some choices were forced upon me from the outside.

I suppose the first example comes from high school. I played on the high school soccer team for my first three years, putzing around the frosh-soph and jv teams. Summer before senior year, I was approached by one of the varsity coaches who asked me about my courseload for the coming year. I was slated to take 6 AP classes and was still trying to maintain my participation in soccer. He asked me why I was taking so many AP classes and I told him I was trying to get into a good school. He replied that he hadn't taken any AP classes in high school and he had gone to UCI, which was a good school. It's funny to say this now, but in my head I was thinking, umm...I am thinking of something a little better than UCI.

I was not delusional. I knew that soccer was not going to take me to college as it had this coach. I knew that I could and wanted to go to a more prestigious institution. I had worked hard, put in the time...I had become a nerd. (a very cool nerd, mind you :P). I ended up not playing soccer my senior year. I didn't even bother going to try outs because I knew what was in store for me...so why bother.

This is an example of a socially constructed division between nerd and jock. In high school, it would have been more than possible to succeed in my classes as well as play varsity soccer. But the coaches didn't see it that way. They wanted full commitment to the team, even if it were unnecessary for success.

These days, being a nerd, at least for me, takes up a tremendous amount of time and energy...I guess because it is more or less my job. Sometimes, I wonder if i have enough time and energy to still be a jock...and to what end? I mean, I am all for being active and healthy, but that could probably be done with considerably less working out and soccer playing that i currently partake in.

In the end, I guess I do it because I want to do it. In a way the diametric opposition between being a jock and being a nerd (while certainly problematic) is also why I like both. I am certainly better at one than the other (being a nerd)...but being a jock is also a chance to let go of all of that...not have to think about connecting literatures and find holes in existing research agendas. Its also me, proving to myself, that I am more than just a smart kid...if I am even that.

Ok, so I don't know where this post is going...but just something I have been thinking about during this 90 days of change. Seems like I am trying to change and improve a lot of things...hopefully it all comes out better at the other end.